November 2, 2006

Just a Little Pinprick

*tap tap*
Is this thing on?
The cobwebs concern me.

I wonder if I seem as different as everything I see around me. Like the burning bushes in our front yard. Each morning when I roll down the driveway, the brilliant blotches of red catch my eye. This time next week, the leaves will be brown and on the ground.

I've been home for five days. The show was amazing, The Boy's voice pure honey. There's more I'd like to share about the trip, but other circumstances have me paralyzed. I screwed up, and in the process learned who has my back, or, more precisely, who doesn't. I wonder at times how I can be so obtuse.

The first anniversary of my stepfather's death is approaching. Aware only of the numbness, I've not delved deeply into my feelings. Not much anyway. In that regard, I'm grateful to have my mom to look after. Playing caretaker leaves little opportunity to examine oneself.

I poke at the numbness, prodding it gently. My eyes flood with tears and my body feels like lead. I can even get a rhythm going: poke, tears, stop poking, breathe deeply. What a cool party trick. I'm doing it right now. Can you tell?

It's almost been a year. I wonder if he knows how much I miss him.

.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Aw Sweetie, I know just how you feel, since my pop passed just this last March. I wish I could give you a big ol' hug.

{{{{{{{{{{{{Suzanne}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm sure he knows and he would want you to revel in the colors, and not the whithered leaves.

Take care.

deb

.

Anonymous said...

Hey sweetie, he knows. I'm sure he is right there with you right now looking over you. I know it's hard. But you are not alone. Promise.

nina said...

He knows...

Here is a (((HUG))) for my "kind internet blog site Suzanne type person of whom I have never met but care very much about"

Enjoy the brillant colors. I believe it is by design that they are so just to imprint themselves long enough to carry us through the winter.

take care
nina

Kristina said...

Hugs, Suzanne. Just... hugs.

agoodlistener said...

This is a special anniversary, a real mile marker on your journey. My mom's seventh is tomorrow. I so wish I could talk to her one more time.
{{{S}}}

chapin said...

((((S)))))

Take care of yourself and enjoy the beauty that surrounds you. BTW...I totally got your back. Please don't let Wen kill my team this week in FanFootball. :-)

Gina said...

Ok, is it just me, or is this totally a tribute to Pink Floyd in this post? ;)

My dear, he very much knows.

(((Suzanne)))

Val said...

I'm sure he knows and would rather see you smiling when you remember him.
It'll be 10 years in December since my dear Grandmother passed and everytime I get sad when I remember her or wish she were still here, I hear her, sounding annoyed, saying "Oh c'mon, you know I am still with you, and I would rather see you smile, than cry." and it somehow helps.
The fist year is the worst. It never gets better, just different.

Cris said...

big hugs.
don't know what happened to make you feel vulnerable, but added to your grieving process, it sounds like you are carrying a heavy burden.

If it were me, I would put on a snuggly jacket and some warm gloves, go tromp through the crunchy leaves and let the tears flow. I also tend to talk to them (the ones i no longer have in my present) sometimes in my head, sometimes out loud, and sometimes shouting into the wind. They hear....i feel it.

more hugs to you.

the only daughter said...

Joining in the festival of hugs and chorus of well wishers.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

tiff said...

While I'm glad to see you bac, I'm sad to know that you're sad.

Sending strength from NC.

Anonymous said...

You hang in there, Suzanne.

All will be well, trustme on this.

GF

Jennifer said...

I wish I had been able to hook up with you. I'm so sorry it didn't work out.

This time.

Our day will come.

Thinking of you, sweets.

Eyes said...

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))

sporksforall said...

It's my sincere hope that those we miss know it. It gives me great comfort to think they do. So, I'll hope it for you as well.

SassyFemme said...

I truly believe, with ever fiber of my being, that they know, and they are with us, just in a different form that we don't totally understand. Two weeks from tomorrow will be the three year anniversary of my mom's death, and in another two months will be two years for my dad. It's true that it does get a little easier with time. But, the anniversary times aren't easy ones. One thing I learned is that there's no timetable on grief, there's nothing that says you have to feel anything beyond numb if that's what you're feeling. When its the right time the feelings will be there, the numbness will ease. Perhaps it's just not yet time for that. Just keep breathing and keep on keeping on. Big hugs...

KMae said...

You're a good person, Suzanne & the Universe embraces you. Your Stepfather knows!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, Suzi. Thinking of you and wondering how you are ever going to blow out all those candles!

Love, your teenie-bit younger sister