May 21, 2013

Feeling in Color

It's been odd times.  Ditching the anger of last year has let other emotions come to the surface that I'm actually allowing myself to recognize and process.  Self-awareness and analysis has always been more of my sister's forte.  Me, I'm logical, less driven by emotions, practical and strong living in a black and white world.  

Sure. Sure I am.

Right and wrong seem clear. Black and white. Ha. I'm such a fool. Me attempting to make it so is akin to shoving the round peg into the square hole.  With the anger aside, I can see that.  Doesn't mean I've stopped doing it though.

But I'd like to. Stop.

Such rigidity makes it difficult to be my friend. I ask people to make hard decisions, to be honest, oh how I crave honesty and cherish the opportunity to give it in return.

This year, so far, I've had two very dear friends give up on me. And it's only May! I hope their decisions were hard, because damn their actions hurt and oh how I wish they'd chosen differently. Perhaps the honesty I crave is not what I should be demanding.  Definitely not of those two.  Yet I can't imagine living with anything else.

I need to acknowledge to myself just how much it does hurt. Oh yes, the stories are complex and anything but black and white and maybe I gave up on them first. One of them I definitely did. The rights and wrongs of that situation all but demanded it of one who feels in black and white.

The other sent me this poem before she gave up on me. (I haven't given up on her but I doubt she sees it that way.) It's so perfect and it breaks my heart.

I look forward to the day it doesn't break my heart.

Sure.  Sure I do.

This feeling in color takes some getting used to.

May 10, 2013

The truth is I can't seem to sit still and when I do, I vegetate versus ruminate.  

I miss the historical nature of blogging.  I appreciate the possibility of looking back at a place in time to be reminded the who what when where why and how of that moment.  It's a primary motivation for me to try again.  I have hopes of finding a rhythm.

Meanwhile I'll leave this moment to look back on:  two of my best girls sharing the love.