October 13, 2005

Oh Morning Wood?

Several weeks ago, Wendy and I went out to dinner and a movie with friends. I proposed seeing The Constant Gardener and offered to purchase the tickets online in advance. But I discovered a $1 service fee is added to each ticket for the convenience of buying them online. That irritated me and I was too cheap frugal to pay said fee. Unfortunately by the time we arrived at the theater, the movie was sold out. We ended up seeing The 40 Year Old Virgin instead.

Left to my own devices, I would never have picked that movie. My friend Mel didn't like it much because they say "fuck" a lot. And they do. But it didn't bother me because I'm a heathen and use the word rather frequently myself. My enjoyment of the movie surprised me; I laughed out loud often and absolutely adored the ending.

One scene Wendy and I both viewed with skepticism: the Virgin wakes up with an obvious erection, shuffles across the hall to the bathroom, sits down to relieve himself and immediately pees straight up in the air like a fountain. (Okay yes, real potty humor. I chuckled anyway. I'm mildly ashamed.)

But from my limited understanding of the intricacies of male plumbing, I thought urinating with an erection was physically impossible. But really, what do I know? So we turned to a source who actually has male plumbing and therefore is familiar with the in and outs, so to speak, of its behavior.

And what better male to ask things of this nature than The Boy? Yes yes, we do have that type of relationship. It's a good thing. The subject came up during our visit over parent's weekend. I said conversationally, "So, you know how males typically wake up in the morning with an erection?"

He didn't skip a beat.

"Ah yes," he replied smoothly, "Morning wood!"

Then to our utter amazement, he burst into song: "Morning wood, oh morning wood..." I kid you not. He sang at least one full verse, but the other lyrics have been purged from my mind. All that is remains is the memory of his rich baritone voice lyrically immortalizing the condition that is known, evidently, among the males of our species as "morning wood."

Ayup, parenthood is quite educational, quite educational indeed.

Oh, and for the curious among you, we also learned it would be extremely difficult to urinate with said morning wood, and to do so accidentally is most unlikely as such action would require great concentration and effort, were it to be possible at all.

.

14 comments:

Mel said...

Well, I'm part of an extremely small minority (of one) who didn't care for the 68 uses of the f-word. But I did like the ending of the movie. And I've heard the term "morning wood," before. What does all this say about me? No. Don't answer. ;)

Steph said...

Thanks for the morning laugh!

That Girl said...

Ive heard of morning wood, but I never knew there was a song!

The Scarlet Pervygirl said...

Again, I have to ask: are you a fan of arranged marriages? Is there some kind of application I can fill out to be considered eligible for the Boy? I'm completely inappropriate for him, but how can you not love that?

Anonymous said...

I was telling Thomas about Mel not liking the word 'fuck' and he said, 'Oh, she's one of thoooose' (hehehehe) then he went on to say, '"Fuck" is an enhancer, it's like adding mustard to a hot dog.' Well, there ya go.

I haven't seen the movie...so the 40-year old virgin sits down to pee? Is that part of why he's still a virgin at 40 cuz he's a wussy sitter. I never once saw any of the men I was with sit down just to pee let alone pee with an erection. Of course they were all manly-men and obviously none of them were virgins.

I have heard of morning wood and it's my understanding that the Oasis album title "What's the Story Morning Glory?" references the same early morning 'stand at attention'.

Here's one I learned whilst living with a member of the opposite sex...blue balls. Did the 40 year old virgin experience 'blue balls?'

~eb

weese said...

huh...the things i learn from your blog...huh.

Sam said...

Morning wood is also a physiological reaction by the body. If the bladder is full but the guy is asleep, the brain signals the penis to become erect as a preventative measure to stop the male from wetting the bed. Gotta love biology at work!

Career Guy said...

I disagree with Sam. Testosterone levels are 30-35% higher in the morning, and that has something to do with the phenomenon.

WordsRock said...

Ah, Scarlet. Think of the bitch you'd have for a mother-in-law. ;)

Mel... 68? I remember it more like 168!

eb, I prefer ketchup on my hotdogs but I do like language enhancements.

Sam, thanks for the science. :)

Suzanne

SassyFemme said...

LOL, and thinking it was definitely easier (for us) that Fran and I had a girl to raise! I'm just not sure we could have had a conversation like that with a boy.

Wash Lady said...

My 3 year old calls it a "bone" when he has it. He has to sit on the potty and wait for it to go away.

I'm not offended by the f word but darn if I want to hear it every other word. To me (and I'll stand with Mel is needed) when you use the f word so much - its because you aren't smart enough to express yourself in another way. It (using the Fword) shows just how limited you are in your thinking and communication skills.
I use the word - just not every other sentence.

Eyes said...

You've been:

BLOGA PRECIATED!

Congratulations, Suzanne! You are the receiving this blog award offered by Eyes for Lies. Please feel free to copy and paste the image award from my blog and display it on yours!

I want to tell you why I appreciate your blog:

I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog because you are so honest and open -- not only about your sexual orientation but about everything in life. You don't hesitate to say it like it is. That is what I love about you.

You are a strong woman with determination, yet caring and compassionate.

I know when you say something, you truly believe it.

I also love the fact that I can peer into the world of a lesbian and learn about how you think and feel regarding certain issues.

While I am not a lesbian, I do tend to agree with much of your beliefs, and I want to stand by you and fight for your rights. You deserve the same rights as anyone else!

Thanks for sharing a little of your world with me. I treasure your mind, spirit and energy.

You are humourous and light-hearted and that is a wonderful break to my serious mind.

CONGRATULATIONS!! Share the joy. Bloga Appreicate the blogs you enjoy today. See details on my blog.

Sam said...

Hey John,

Just what I was told about the whole 'mw' thing. Yours sounds plausible, too.

Alena said...

What we were taught (in Psych of all classes) is that the bodies of both men and women become sexually aroused during the sleep cycles. If I remember correctly, said arousal occurs several times a night during the dreaming stages of sleep. In any case, it's natural and frequently-occurring.

"The so called "morning erection" is the result of being wakened during, or just after a dream; and it can be a very persistent erection." (http://www.themarriagebed.com/pages/biology/plumbing/male-plumbing-nopics.shtml)

"During a night's sleep, between four and eight erections occur naturally unless there is a physical blockage preventing them." (http://www.tiscali.co.uk/lifestyle/healthfitness/menshealth/part1_8-1.html)