March 6, 2006

To Whom It May Concern

Subtitled: What Makes Strangers So Bold?

Yes, I am a lesbian. But I am not a know-all source of information for how to be a lesbian. It is pointless to ask me for advice on how to determine if you are gay, what you should do if you think you are gay, how to tell your husband you are a lesbian, or about the mechanics of making love to a woman. I am not an instruction manual.

On the flip side, if we are friends I'll share my personal experiences and opinions within reason, as friends do with friends. But still you must think for yourself and do what's right for you.

That is all.



Whom it may concern said...

seems like responding directly to the person would have been easier, but lots less interesting.
Maybe the two words "EMAIL ME" made them think it was OK to acually email you. Sounds like you should take that off if you are so offended by the email. General confusion did not carry over to make me mistake you for an instruction manual, and no need to respond to my comment, I won't be returning.

Elizabeth said...


I'll help out 'Whom'. Listen up Whom, Elizabeth is here to answer your questions:

How do you know you're gay?
Like, duh. If you are sexually attracted to a member of the same sex, you my dear, are a homo.

What should you do if you think you're gay?
Jump and skip around the house joyously singing, "I'm Gay! I'm Gay! As God is my witness! I'm Gayyyyy!'

How do you tell your husband you're a lesbian?
You walk up to him and say, "Thank the little baby Jesus I never swallowed that shit, and I ain't suckin' it no more and you ain't puttin' it in me no more so step off bitch and take Pepe penis with you, I'm screwin' the boss's wife!'

As for the mechanics of making love to a woman:
The clitoris! It's what's for dinner!

Geeky Dragon Girl said...

Holy crap elizabeth, you need your own advice column! Masochists everywhere will love you. I need to go change my pants now, thanks a lot.

Pam said...

I was talking about that te other day, how some people think it's ok to ask you inappropriately personal questions just because you're gay.

weese said...

oh but wait but wait... i so wanted to hear answers on the mechanics of making love to a woman.
(tee hee... i can be such a slut)

Elizabeth said...

I always knew Weese was a slut. A very clean, organized slut, but a slut nonetheless.

GDG...sorry about the pants.

WordsRock said...

eb, you have such a way with words. I will henceforth and hereinafter forward such emails to you for response.

weese, you and your wife wrote the manual on mechanics. Or you could have. Get busy.

Pam, I hear ya. What is up with that?

And gdg, stay away from eb. Consider yourself warned. ;)


Steph said...

Awww, shucks. I thought that's how it worked with you all. Kinda like how I'm supposed to be able to answer for something that Father Smith said to your great-grandmother back in the Old Country. After all, I am basically the Pope, right?

(And no, I'm not slamming you with this .... actually, in reading this I remembered that I never replied to your email. But out of slackerness, not offense. Sorry!)

Elizabeth said...

GDG...Pay no attention to Ms. Prevaricatin' Homo. I am a warm and wonderful human bean and she is just jealous. Because why? Because she's going to hell, that's why. She's a prevaricater, a mashed potater hater and a Homo!! Do not be sucked into the vortex of suburban niceness. She's headed to Beelzebub's Kitchen of Splattering Grease and Flies and she'll just drag you down with her!

Flee! Flee!

Geeky Dragon Girl said...

elizabeth, I don't know... Suzanne's a pretty smart cookie. I'd be kinda stupid to not heed the warning. Although a person who hates mashed potatoes... that just ain't right.

And if Suzanne's on her way to hell, I'd be highly interested to know where the heck you think you're going. ;)

weese said...

" and your wife wrote the manual on mechanics..."

this puts a whole new spin on tip-o-day fridays

Elizabeth said...

I'm going shopping.