May 2, 2006

Wherein I Attempt to Purge My Resentment

I love my sister.
But right now, I resent the hell out of her.

I love my step-siblings. Mostly.
But right now, I resent the hell out of them.
Especially them.

Yes oh yes, I am stewing in a large kettle of resentment, best enjoyed with a shot of good tequila. Make that three shots. Three shots of tequila ought to adjust my attitude nicely.

Yet I don't resent The Boy. In fact I'd like to distance him from the painful reality that is my mother's, and subsequently my own, life right now. I don't want to lean on him. I just want him to enjoy being young. Am I cheating him out of an important developmental milestone?

Familial obligation. Where does it start and where, for the love of all that is good in the world, does it end? My greatest fear right now is that something will happen to my dad and/or his wife or to Wendy's parents. I have reached my limit---anything more and my head will assplode.

Which is where my resentment of my siblings takes root: where the fuck are they and why are they leaving Wendy and me to tend to this situation on our own? I don't give a shit about their pitiful reasons or rationale or excuses, no matter how reasonable or rational or worthy said excuses may be. Not that many have even been offered.

Fuckers. Selfish fuckers wrapped up in their own worlds unwilling to recognize or acknowledge the need to step it up and pitch in.

Eh. That's not very fair, is it? With my sister at least, I know it's not unwillingness. She is just physically unable. Horribly bad timing, yes, yet how can I resent her for that? I don't know, but I do.

Tequila. It's what's for breakfast.

"If I get it all down on paper,
it's no longer inside of me
threatening the life it belongs to" --- "Breathe" by anna nalick

There's that damned song again.
Every time I turn around it speaks to me.
But you know what?
It's offers timely advice.
I feel better already.



tiff said...

Primal scream therapy works wonders. It's not as wacky as you might think! One big ol' yall and you'll feel ever so much better.

tiff said...

Or, alternativel, you could yell instead of "yalling"....

Pisces75 said...

I too wonder where family obligation begins and ends. And I to wonder why some people totally avoid the situation rather than jumping in and helping. It is hard not to resent them, but in the end you will be the better person for helping out. And you know your mom appreciates your support..even if she doesn't show it.

weese said...

ok... waddya need kiddo - I am packing the convertible with some power tools, my toolbox, a 12pack, bengay, and a nice tray of meatballs from my italian wife.
if I leave now i should be there in about 10 hours.
nothing a hammer and a beer can't solve.

Geeky Dragon Girl said...

Familial obligation, ugh, one of the worst feelings in the world. You can quit your job, but only the heartless can quit their families.

Gina said...

In my dad's family, for some reason it is always my dad and not my uncle who is expected to do everything. Why is it that some parents just automatically lean harder on one sibling than the other? The one might be more suited to the task, but it doesn't necessarily mean the other sibling/s should just skate free, either. This probably doesn't exactly describe your situation, but for whatever reason, writing this has made me feel better already!

I'm sorry you are feeling badly, and it just means you are tired, overwhelmed, and human.


Val said...

Hang in there and it's normal to feel resentment and/or guilt for feeling that way. You know you couldn't turn your back on your Mom because you are who you are. Well, unfortunately, THEY are the way THEY are. it's life.
But you're the better person and you couldn't be any other way.

Lots of people by your side, kid - understanding and letting you vent.

Teresa said...

Studies have shown that unmarried siblings—and, by extension, gay siblings—are more frequently called upon to care for sick and elderly family members and on average devote more time to caregiving than their brothers and sisters.

Some say we're expected to perform in this role because our relationships aren't given the same validity as those of married siblings and we're therefore regarded as more "free" to assume caregiving duties.

Another theory goes that we tend to make ourselves more available for caregiving to prove our essential goodness and value to our families in ongoing efforts to overcome any gay stigma we may have felt as children or still feel as adults.

Insert your own theory here:

Hang in there, Suzanne. My heart goes out to you.

Suzanne said...

You folks are the best. Thanks. Really.

And lest anyone get the wrong idea, my mother is a bit too vocal in her appreciation. It's all "Suzi this" and "Suzi that" and "Suzi's so wonderful." Man, talk about pressure. Eh, if it helps her deal I shouldn't complain. Like that'll stop me.

weese, you are good people. Don't ever change. :)


Sam said...


I wish I could leave a meaningful comment but I can't. Your situation reminds me too much of when my Mom died and I, the youngest one of them all, had to step up to the plate. It was hell. I was 19.

Did I mention it was hell?

I made it though it all. But I can't say I feel like reliving it by rehashing it.

You'll make it. :)

Taradharma said...

this too shall pass. maybe not as quickly as you'd like it to, but it will. honest. you are doing the good things that help others, you are taking the high road. good kharma all around, gf.

Anonymous said...

I hear your pain. My family is the biggest conundrum of my life.

And for the record, "assplode" is the best new word I've heard in ages.