January 24, 2006

Hiding from Myself

Things are pretty out of whack here in my corner of the suburbs. You may not be able to tell by looking at me, but the true state of my universe can quickly be determined by checking out the interior of our refrigerator. It's not happy place in there, oh no it's not. See what I mean?

That mess, with the exception of the pizza box, has been there since December. I haven't done any real grocery shopping this year. Ha ha ha? Yeah I know. This year is only about three weeks old. Still, it represents a long time between grocery runs. We've either been eating out or scrounging through the cabinets for a quick fix or not eating at all. Cook a complete meal? I did do that. Once this year. With Wendy's help. It was good. We should do it again sometime. Soon.

I'm hiding. I know I'm hiding.
It's how I cope when I'm really not coping.

My hiding comes in different levels. Sometimes I hide from my friends and/or family, which usually consists of not answering the phone. Other times I hide from work, which usually consists of not answering the phone. Sense a pattern?

But then there's the biggie: hiding from myself, which usually consists of answering the phone and faking my way through work while doing little else.

Me at my finest. I end up making my life harder while telling myself and others I'm peachy. Truth is, I know better. I'm a smart girl. I know what it means when I hide from myself.

Considering I'm such a creature of habit, why does it always surprise me that my routines are the first thing to break down when I'm feeling the weight of my responsibilities crushing the breath out of me like a boulder on my chest stressed? I haven't even balanced my checkbook since November. Is the earth still turning?

Thankfully even when I'm hidden, Wendy keeps my drawer well stocked with clean underwear. I mean, expired milk in the refrigerator is one thing but hiding while wearing less-than-fresh panties would just be wrong.

.

17 comments:

Cris said...

It is all a cycle, and you will come back to functionality in due time. Sometimes for me, its as simple as beginning to identify it.

You have some good reasons for the stress reaction. Give yourself the space to pull it all together again and remember no one expects you to be soooper womon (except yourself).

and thank the powers that be for life partners/lovers/wives or how ever you classify them, who keep the clean undies in the drawer.

Treat yourself gently.

One Lazy Lesbian said...

Yah.. what she said... I get like that too.. hang in there.

Geeky Dragon Girl said...

You know that big tub of Country Crock? I used to love that stuff... until I found out margerine is nothing but trans fats. Try Smart Balance instead, MUCH better.

I'm not helping your stress levels at all am I? Sorry.

Eyes said...

I'm sorry you are going through such difficult times. I'm sending happiness, hugs and lots of strength to pull you through!

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

When I'm down, I go and sob on my poor fuzzy doggie who gives me heaps of love in return :) and always makes me smile.

weese said...

that is a fascinating assortment in your fridge.
i do think if you lose the country crock you may start to feel better.
also ...consider switching to Michelob lite. :o)

tiff said...

Wow, Suzanne, you've been peeking in my head for coping mechanisms! I completely get it.
Cris hit the nail o nthe head - forgive yourself the neatural reaction to everything you've been through lately, and pretty soon you'll be singing like "Annie."

Mel said...

I know I should say something supportive (brassiere!), but all I really want to say is, "Do you really eat that much Country Crock?"

*get it? a brassiere is supportive? oh fine, nevermind . . .

Val said...

I was feeling like a bad reader that I didn't really scrutinize the contents in your fridge as intently as your other readers... but I like the way you write and was more interested in THAT!
However, with so many people commenting on the Country Crock, I had to go back to the picture and look... WOWEE.. that IS a vat of crock! Never tried the stuff.. but i'm no better - i have real actual BUTTER in my fridge! I know.. I know... i'm bad!

Geeky Dragon Girl said...

Actually, believe it or not, butter is not as bad as margarine. Even though it's pure fat, at least it's natural.

And sorry for picking on you about the Country Crock. You do write beautifully. :)

The Boy said...

Like mother like son. Interesting how your stress manifests itself in a poorly stocked refrigerator whilst I manage to establish moving colonies of clothing and general debris throughout my bedroom.

You are only human you know. You might try going outside for a spell. Oh, and the whole tackling one thing at a time. Sometimes that's a good idea too.

You are free to call me and vent if need be. I feel like you provide that service more than enough for the occasional reciprocation.

I love you. Play it cool, boy.

Steph said...

I'm with ya on the hiding factor.

But, with a Wendy and Boy like that .... you'll pull out, I'm sure.

Good luck, though, in the meantime.

Career Guy said...

Does anyone really need a gallon jug of margarine? Are those onions in your drawers? Ick.

Hey, what's on the outside of that refrigerator? Maybe a possible meme would be a sampling of things under your refrigerator magnets.

I'll get right on it.

Pisces75 said...

Don't you hate it when you leave a good comment and then it doesn't save. *sigh*

At the end of the day...who really sees your fridge besides you (and wendy). Don't worry about it.

That Girl said...

Ive found that for me, it wasn't so much the hiding and not answering and skimming thru life that I needed, but what all that eventually brought about - things I could fix.
Cause eventually if you dont pay the bill they turn out the lights.
So the whole point of the not-doing was to let it build up so that I could do things and feel good about how well I can do things when they need to be done.
Cause then I could show that I have SOME control over my own life, right?
So maybe Wendy's not helping by washing the underoos.
That's just my experience tho.
I hope you feel lots better really soon.

LizBn said...

The worst part about doing the dishes is the dreading of doing the dishes. Once you get in there the water and the bubbles and the clean dishes are actually fun.

Debra said...

I withdraw in varying degrees every year from November through February. January is the worst. I believe it's due to the poor quality of sunlight.

Anyway...you have the support systems that will let you get through this and thrive...

Elizabeth said...

I hid from myself too. Actually, I think I'm still hiding but I didn't know how else to handle things. Next thing I knew eight years went by.