January 5, 2006

It Was But a Temporary Respite ...

So we had that fantastic trip to the beach with our friends. My slippers and I had a great time.

I managed, by day five, to push to the back of my mind the racing thoughts of what 2006 will be like for my family. Actually the thoughts were more about what 2006 will be like for me. I'm selfish that way. Those racing thoughts have been desperately spinning through my head, a big wild blob with arms and legs extended, waving and kicking frantically, grasping for my attention no matter which direction I turn. There is no escape.

I keep hearing my mother sob, "I was supposed to go first."

Within hours of arriving home, those thoughts were pummelling me yet again following a phone call to my mom. Sometimes we can get through a conversation without her breaking down, but not often. I can't say as I blame her. I'd like to do the same.

I curse my sister for living so fucking far away. I don't really mean that. I think. I just feel crushed by the unbearable burden of being me. Of being the one on whom my mother is counting on the most.

Ah, histrionics. I should keep them to myself.

How can I possibly be so selfish? Of course I'm grateful for the opportunity to be there for her. But holy shit. Can I handle the responsibility? Each time we talk, she shares with me more items added to her "list." That goddamned list. It's a honey-do list with my name on it. Wendy's name is on it too, the lucky gal. Thank god for Wendy.

Someone pour me a drink.
A stiff one.



That Girl said...

It is incredibly incredibly hard. My best assvice is to start like you mean to go on - only take on those responsibilities that you think your mom is incapable of and encourage or teach her to do the rest.
The alternative is truly unhealthy for both of you. Dont let guilt get in the way.
I say this as someone who labored for many years as a home health care aide.
People who are forced to do for themselves (up to what they are capable of) live longer and happier lives.
Emotional support is a completely different thing.
I urge you not to let grief and guilt confuse the two things - dont step in as your mom's new husband.
Good luck. If you ever need help, ask, please.

weese said...

I completely understand this.
I am the same person for my mother. even tho my brother lives 10 minutes away as well. i help her install screens, turn the mattress, fix the furnace...whatever needs to get done. and i am also the one she calls to chat, complain, question or ponder.
its an awesome responsibility.

(my mom lost my father in 1965, and then a man i will call my adult dad in 2001)

Mel said...

I know I will be you one day. In charge, completely, of my mother, even though I have siblings.

Crushing burden, indeed.

Hang in there.

SassyFemme said...

I know it can be overwhelming - been there with the parent thing, but really, as crazy as it sounds, you just keep on keepin' on, and it just works itself out.

Elizabeth said...

Well, we were out tonight and there was one on the menu with Jager and about 5 other liquor levels. I can pour you that one.

I'd say follow that girl's advice.

I hate to say this because I loved my mother with all my heart and soul but she's gone and I don't really talk to my father so I have this somewhat carefree adulthood and I really enjoy it. I totally understand being selfish.

Onward through the fog.

Gina said...

I have no advice, just hugs and some liquor.

Eyes said...

My heart goes out to you.

I, like Mel, will be in the same shoes as you. My parents live in eye-shot of me. My brother, who lives within 30 miles hasn't given a living damn about my parents in 15 years -- all due to his nastiness. It sickens me they won't even know of his own parents passing -- and he has to children who never met their grandparents. Sick!

I know the pain. ((((hugs)))))

The Scarlet Pervygirl said...

I'll offer hugs, too. It's a huge responsibility; don't be afraid to completely freak out about it. I would. Good luck. Lean on your girl. And the puppies, of course. I'm sorry.

Steph said...

Good luck to you .... I hope it all settles out without draining you too much ....