GPS

No no no, I'm not referring to a Global Positioning System. I'm talking Gross Pet Stories here.

If you have pets, much like children, you'll have stories to share. Some of them make you go "awww isn't that precious!" Others make you screw up your face in horror like you've just bitten into a piece of six day old sushi. Those are the stories that qualify for the GPS classification.

I have a GPS about Figero. It's probably the grossest pet story I have to tell about him. Put it this way: if you are ever fortunate enough to receive an invitation to dine at Casa de la Lesbiana Suburbana, you may remember this story and opt to decline. But hey, live on the edge people! Don't let a little Gross Pet Story deter you.

Figero always had a designated place on the kitchen counter to serve as his dining area. It kept his food up high away from the other four legged critters who seem to prefer cat kibbles over their own. What is up with that, anyway? Oh sure, the cat would occasionally munch on a little dog food but he would never scarf it completely down. The dogs, on the other hand, if left alone with cat food, would hoover it gone in a matter of minutes. Hence the elevated location of Figero's plate. Fig had given up jumping up onto anything high about a year or so ago. We adapted by lifting him up for his meals. He had no problem leaping down after dining.

Some folks think letting cats on the kitchen counter is gross. They are entitled to their opinion, of course. In some instances I'd even agree with them. I usually support the practical solutions, however, and in this case allowing the cat on the counter was the most practical solution available.

During my sister's recent visit with Nikita the Indian Princess, Figero spent a great deal of time up on the kitchen counter avoiding the disrespectful and persistently curious Nikita. Fig would hang out up there long after he'd finished his breakfast or dinner. One day I came home from work and found him curled up next to the stove. I raised an eyebrow, confused. Since he no longer could jump up onto the counter, he must have spent the entire day up there! I was slightly alarmed. I peered around the counters yet noticed nothing amiss. I whisked Figero down while Nikita was outside and sent him on his way.

Later that evening SK put the kettle on the stove to boil water. My sister drinks a lot of tea. Hot tea. Well. Maybe it's not tea she drinks. But she boils water for something. That's when the fun began.

Science has always bored me to tears. What happened that night as the stove heated up to boil SK's water was like some sort of ill-conceived science fair experiment gone wildly awry. Merely a few moments after she turned on the burner, we were all gasping for air. Our eyes watered and burned, squinting tightly against the mace-like pollution filling the house. Oh the stench! It smelled like our house been swirled directly into a well-used port-a-pottie on the Fourth of July on the DC Mall. 98 degrees, man. Blazing sun. High humidity. The whole nine yards. We retched in unison.

I glanced around wildly then ran toward the kitchen, waving my arms and shouting frantically. That frantic arm waving shouting stuff works wonders for solving problems. You should try it some time.

Have you figured out the punchline yet? Of course you have and you are undoubtably 100% correct.

There were puddles of cat piss in the burner drip pans on one side of the stove. Overflowing puddles of heated cat piss. In our kitchen. On our stove. Where we cook our food. The food we put in our mouths. Argh.

It wasn't obvious at first. There was no smell until the stove heated up. Why there was no smell, I don't know, but there wasn't. The burners drips pans are black enamel and the urine blended right in with the shiny surface. Who'da thunk it?

Some of us milled around the hot burner. Others flung open all the exterior doors to let in fresh air. I stopped shouting and cussed under my breath instead. We cleaned it up. Thoroughly. Now we try not to talk about it. I mean really. Yuck.

This story does, however, top my list of When Pets Cross the Line.
What story tops your list?

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