June 29, 2004

Too Far Into My Head?

I've spent a great deal of time inside my head attempting to reconcile my feelings on the whole gay-rights-gay-marriage political mess and all the pieces of that puzzle that affect me and mine.

What sent me into my head this time around was a friend asking why I didn't get more involved and active in making change if I did not like what was happening.

Oh shit. Now there's a loaded question. Hit me hard and wrong and I immediately felt seriously strong resentment. And this was AFTER I had requested we not discuss politics because I was uncomfortable with the feelings I knew such discussion would inspire. The question was not posed maliciously, but rather innocently. And somehow that made it even worse.

While I've always been a take-care-of-things kind of gal, I do not want to have to take care of this. I do not want to have to become an activist and champion the cause of gay rights in America. I feel my life as I live it should champion the cause enough. It should be enough. But it's not. Because that's not the way things work. So I give money to organizations that support "our cause". I take time to know the politicians for whom I vote and take care to select those that support my own beliefs, or as a minimum compromise, those that are not blatantly anti-gay. I try to be a good American. No, I am a good American. And it's just not enough.

What I'm really wrestling with is my growing resentment of friends and family who say they disagree with how Virginia and current American political leadership are handling the whole gay marriage thing. These very folks, who are quite dear to me personally and declare that I am dear to them also, give lip service to how wrong it all is. They smile and nod sympathetically while continuing their lives status quo. Then they ask me why I don't do more. Or they ask when Wendy and I are going to get married. I'm like, WTF?!

But so what? Does it really matter? After all, there has always been room in my heart for people who feel differently than I. That's the beauty of life. That's the beauty of America. How boring it would be if we all felt the same. But I always thought, despite their differing political views, that I mattered to them. And things that affected me, their friend, mattered to them too. However I now cannot escape the reality of their duplicity. And it pisses me off.

Don't profess to be my friend if you continue to support those working to limit MY rights under our laws and our Constitution. You know who you are. I know who you are. You know who I am. I am a lesbian and you, through those whom you continue to support, are working feverishly to take away MY right to live free. And I'm not talking about the religious side of the issue because I respect your freedom of religious belief. I'm talking about American civil liberties. Unfortunately, the middle ground on which we both happily perched while our friendships developed is being eroded away by current events---driven by the very politicians you and yours continue to support.

I'm losing my objectivity. I may well be losing my friends. But really, how friendly are they if it's okay with them for me and other people like me to be relegated permanently into second class citizenship?

This is twisting my head and my heart. I know I should suck it up and quit feeling sorry for myself. But I'm not there yet because it hurts. Blech.

1 comment:

deb said...

With you on this 100%. Here in the 'burbs, I just want to live my life like everyone else. I don't want to be an activist. Our activism comes in the form of raising two wonderful girls, together. We have taught many people not to fear us, just by living our lives.

I'll leave the in-your-face activism for those with the intestinal fortitude to withstand it. I will support them with money and my love and willingness to help, but I cannot be the activist. I have a different path to walk.

Enjoy your blog.

-deb